As anyone who knows me knows—mostly because I bludgeoned everyone with even the most minute of details—I turned the big 5-0 on 12/12/12. I threw myself a very intimate little party at the most adorable girlfriend-owned restaurant in Newport Beach called Sol Grill complete with an awesome live musician for background and then dancing music, as well as the Hostess's ah-mazing food. I created a signature cocktail and the Caveman and the Hero toasted me with my own homemade lemoncello and we laughed and we celebrated and my guests signed the most current volume of my 7-volume guest book—originally started in 1987!—and it was all I ever dreamed or dared to hope it could have been. It was love, man, just pure L-O-V-E.
But, just like the holiday hangover we all suffer after Christmas and New Year's, I got a triple-dose with my birthday's celebration being thrown in there as well last year. As a side note, the Caveman's birthday is 12/15 and the Hero's birthday is 12/26 and my little family's anniversary is 12/1—feel my triple-crush hangover now! And a big birthday like that gets you thinking and wondering and considering. Hmmm. What do I know for sure--really for sure? If you have read my prior blog entries, you are familiar with my struggles—no need to double-dip that chip here. So, in honor of 12/12/13 and turning 51—see, it just doesn't have the same cool ring—I am sharing those things that I know to be true for sure for me.
2. This is a tie with No.1: Seeing the Hero fall from heaven into this world—dramatically and prematurely—and take his first breath. This is my most treasured memory (made all the more treasured by the fact that there is no one left on this planet to share this memory with me). The only reason this isn't No. 1 is because the Hero was meant to be born, grow up and leave me. The Caveman, on the other hand, was meant to meet me, fall in love and stay with me.
3. Witnessing the Caveman and the Hero (age 2) meet for the first time—instant love. Okay—it's a three-way tie.
4. I am horrible at paying my bills; so I make sure that I have none.
5. In the hive of life, I am a drone, not the queen. I know intimately the hard-hustle of everyday work. Not even a career, just a down-in-the-trenches-day-in-
6. I know in my heart that the Caveman wakes up every morning asking himself what he can do to make it the best day for me! I want so much to be able to do that for him, but I am a selfish failure at loving him as much as I need to be loved by him.
7. I am sensitive. My eyes and heart cannot abide most of what they witness on the internet and TV. Warning: If you post abused pit bull puppies or abandoned kittens on my FB Newsfeed I immediately “hide” it. The Animal Planet Channel is blocked on all my TVs. I cannot endure these atrocities—it does not inspire nor rally me; it traumatizes and paralyzes me.
8. I am desperate for structure and quiet. I try not to yell any more than I have to.
9. I need a solid work-out schedule for my mind and good food for my body and vice verse.
10. I need a good bra, a sexy little black dress, an above-average Kentucky sipping whiskey and clean soft sheets—not necessarily in that order. Well, now that I look at that order, probably, exactly in that order ; )
11. I must knit to retain even a modicum of sanity.
12. I need a kitten to want to purr and knead on just me.
13. The hard-hustle is killing me (see #5). Slowly, painfully and without mercy the hard-hustle is sucking the soul from my body. I must find a new way to “be” in this world. Like Bowie says, “We live for just these twenty years do we have to die for the fifty more?” God, I hope not.
14. Steely Dan is the greatest band ever. Church. Preach.
15. I should be a better Christian. I know God loves me, but, really, what have I done for him lately?
16. I am basically scared of boys and their larger, hairier, scarier man-selves.
17. The allure of shiny and pretty does not elude me. Ever.
18. I love dolls. I wish I could design and make dolls for a living including knitting all their clothes and accessories even their little under panties.
19. One of the greatest gifts I ever received was learning to sew—thanks Mom <3.
20. I can do anything; I have never really failed at anything. Now, don't get me wrong, some things have not always necessarily worked out so well, but I would never use the word "fail'.
21. I bruise easily. But, I am also tough and resilient.
22. I truly believe that most people, including my family just don’t “get me”.
23. If you are my friend, there's nothing I won't do for you. Please don’t abuse that because if you do, well, then, I will probably take it, and then, one day I will not take it anymore, and then, we will no longer be friends. Period.
24. I love our families and I feel a grave responsibility to take care of them—all of them. Well, almost all of them; you know who you are and you WILL NOT be taken care of by me, ever. If you are reading this and you are unsure if this means you, then you better check in with me.
25. The sound of a barking dog at night will drive me slowly insane—like I want to hide drugs in a pork chop and heave it over the fence kinda crazy.
26. I believe I am a better auntie and godmother than I ever was a mommy.
27. I love completely with all my heart. Unfortunately, my heart is only the size of a dried apple doll’s head (see #6).
29. My only regret is not having a better education; however, I have such a shitty education that I can’t even spell R-E-G-R-E-T; it’s not even in my vocabulary. Clever how I did that, huh ; )
30. I married my first boyfriend. Hell! I married all my boyfriends.
31. The Caveman belongs at the right arm of God for raising another man’s son as his own.
32. You don’t have to like me; you can even say bad things about me, but you are going to have to own it and you are only going to get to do it once because I will not stand to be disrespected twice. Consider yourself warned. Seriously. After that go ahead and say whatever you want to say but you should be prepared to duck. Better yet, just get screwed and keep walking.
33. Just about any kind of –ism makes me physically sick, i.e. racism, sexism, ageism, radicalism, fundamentalism, etc.
34. I absolutely love, adore and respect our military men and women.
35. The Star Spangled Banner and the hymn Amazing Grace cause a visceral reaction in me that I cannot hide.
36. I am basically a worry-wart insomniac perfectionist encumbered by not enough time to be rested, perfect nor worried enough. See my dilemma.
37. No man has ever worked harder for one woman than the Caveman does for me.
This is what I know to be true; these are my Darya-isms.
Happy birthday to me <3