A Letter to My Son

Happy Birthday, Son!

I like you so much!

That may not sound like much, but 31-years ago that was very important to this young mom. And when this young mom's water broke at 12:05am on December 26th after being in the hospital for 3 weeks with pre-term labor and placenta previa, and her baby was not due to make his appearance until early February, things were a little, shall we say, tense.

But long before that, each night when I would lay my head down on my pillow or when stopped at stoplights or while hurling up and right back out of me whatever little bit of food I could get down, I would pray, "Please, Lord, just let me LIKE this child."

It may seem odd or cold or even I-don't-know-what, but I knew I would LOVE my child; I knew I would care for my baby and be there for "him" and be the best mom I could be for "him". (As a side note, I was totally convinced I was having a Sweetheart, so imagine my surprise when Dr. Lady Army Captain said, "It's a Hero." and he was whisked away to the NICU without a a name or even a peek, but thats a whole 'nother story...). I just really needed to be assured that I would LIKE my baby. It was all very simple, yet so complicated and important.

Because I ALWAYS knew I would love my baby; the life growing inside of me; even before I knew him as the Hero, I knew I loved him. Without question, I loved my Hero.

I just did not always know that I would LIKE him. And that was so important to me.

This Christmas night, standing on the porch 

with my arms around the Caveman and waving goodbye to the Hero and his Babydoll, after an amazing day spent with friends who we consider our family simply because family has precious little to do with blood to our little family; I realized how very much I like this man I call my son. And I just wanted to thank God out loud for answering that young mom-to-be's prayers.

Happy birthday, Son! I love you with all my heart, and more importantly, I like you, too!

xoxo Darya

The 24th Year is Not For Shiny

I have never really considered it an inconvenient coincidence, but more a happy happenstance that my wedding anniversary follows on the heels of the Thanksgiving holiday.

Clearly, it keeps me mindful and grateful.  And I have a lot to be thankful for--an awful lot.

I have had the chance to be exquisitely reminded lately of fresh shiny pretty beginnings. As the saying goes, "I was on my way to conquer the world and then I saw something shiny and pretty..."

Recently, two sets of our good couple-friends have become engaged. They are going to begin their lives together. Their possibilities are endless. Their beginnings are so full of fun and passion, and life in general just seems so shiny. I have no other word for it. Shiny.

But, it only takes someone at their beginning to remind you that you are at your middle or at the very least not at your beginning, and in all honesty, I don't think I can live through another one of my own beginnings. 

I took a walk in the shore water this morning after I took the Caveman's mother to get blood drawn, and then to her chair yoga class at the senior center but before I dropped-off signed house refinance papers and then sat down to do 12-good hour's worth of work in 5-short hour's worth of daylight, and I thought of the ways in which the coupling of two people can beget a family either by marriage or by adoption or by birth, and also how simply that delicate coupling can be undone by someone's leaving either by death or by divorce or by the slamming of a door.

And then some shine wears off.

This year counting courtship and engagement and marriage, the Caveman and I have been together for nearly 30 years. As of today, 24 years of that time has been spent in wedded bliss. Pure shiny bliss--no joke. But a 24th wedding anniversary is kinda like being 20-years-old: still not quite a teenager, but not able to buy and enjoy a decent alcoholic beverage, either.

You are putting in the time and getting some patina; you are waiting to celebrate the shiny 25th.

We are a little tired and beat-up this anniversary, and once or twice this year we have been a little beat down--not quite so shiny. But, oh, Christalmighty, Caveman, you sure do make me happy.

Happy, shiny 24th wedding anniversary!


xoxo Darya