Monday, October 28, 2013

My 4th Grade Existential Crisis

I have never been a journaler nor have I ever been able to keep an authentic diary for more than three consecutive days in my entire life.  But, now I have my little bloggity blog and as I "write" I realize that I have had thoughts that have run deep and constant over the course of my life.  I understand now that I have been wrestling with my consciousness since before I was even capable of realizing I possessed a consciousness.

By the 3rd and 4th grades, I was truly not sleeping for weeks worth of nights.  I would lay my head down on my pillow and the thoughts and the worry would flood over and through me.  As a little girl, I had an 8:30pm bedtime and I would wake up at at all hours of the middle-of-the-night in some sort of crisis--if I was even lucky enough to fall asleep at all--knowing in my heart of hearts that no matter what I had done during the day I had never done that one last "thing" that would bring me closer to being "done"--bring me closer to nighttime peace.   I can actually remember pacing in my room with the light on--I was young enough to still be scared of a dark home, but my soul was old enough to be in crisis.

This describes my nights to this day.  Exercise and good food helps, as well as the Caveman's enduring patience, but eventually the anxiety catches up with me and the nights get really long and the days get really short or vice verse-- business suffers, already barely manageable chronic pain flares and the migraines escalate; I pace both physically and mentally and it's hard to sit still to even eat dinner; I am unable to read a book or knit my beloved handknits.  It's like I feel the other shoe is going to drop at any moment or something big is about to happen--just not sleep.

In an odd way, I feel kinda blessed to have this restlessness; this hand in the middle of my back; this tightness pulling in my chest; this thought constantly walking across my mind.  Because the this keeps me from residing in a place of complacency.  And I am really happy for that.  I just really wish I could lay my head down at night, close my eyes, fall asleep and wake-up in the morning on time like a normal effen human being.  *Sighing and shrugging shoulders*  Maybe if I was a better "writer", I would know of a way to neatly tie this all together--maybe, all I can do is write this out loud.  Maybe.  Who the hell knows.

So, I am simply going to say, "Goodnight; sleep tight."  Yeah, good luck with that.

xoxo Darya

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