Friday, November 15, 2013

From Where I Stand

On my list of Things I Learned in My Fiftieth Year, #22 reads, "I truly believe that most people including my family just don’t get me”.  This belief was deeply underscored recently at Sister's as I stood in the middle of her kitchen at a three-week-early birthday BBQ celebration piggybacking the Parents whirlwind visit to see their Grandson play in a varsity football game.  After greetings and kisses and hugs and settling down, I could feel the busyness of the kitchen and the buzz of the boys' conversation in the other room and all I could hear singsonging in my own head was, "Heigh-ho, the derry-o; the cheese stands alone."   I felt so exquisitely and simply not one of them.

And I'll tell ya, I really tried to be good.  I tried to make the proper small talk and to not make anyone mad and to not be confrontational or combative or contradictory--all things I have been accused of in the past.  And in spite of  my best efforts to be good, I still managed to piss someone off.  It is so very obvious that they all find me very trying and exasperating and just plain exhausting.  I hold beliefs dissimilar to theirs.  I ask messy favors and I expect honesty and truthiness.  Evidently, it is all very uncomfortable making.  So uncomfortable making that they are avoiding me.

All this turns my head inside out and breaks my heart and tightens my colon and keeps me wondering what I should be doing differently so that I can affect some sort of change in the situation, which is just plain silly, because I know deep in the center of my being that the only changes I can bring about are the changes within myself.  It is more about my reactions and not so much my actions that are going to bring about the most profound changes.  So, I am quietly working on me--well, maybe not so quietly.  Pretty groundbreaking stuff, huh?  Positively earth shattering *eyes rolling*.  Trust me, I am talking big here because this is all waaaay easier said than done.  Because life is complicated and people and relationships are even more complex and family dynamics are a goddamn Rubik's Cube.  And from where I stand, Dr. Headshrinker is going to be fat, dumb and sassy before he gets through unscrewing my head tightening whats loose and putting it all back together again. But, in my heart of hearts I truly believe that we--me--us--the family--are well worth it.  Totally worth it.

xoxo Darya

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